~*~Humor~*~

Well, finally, here 'tis, folks...it ain't quite finished yet, but I'm a workin' on it....I present to yall...uh....

~*~Them There Two Towers~*~

Well, as yall remember, Boromir tried to take Frodo's purty gold ring, and that ticked off some fellers known as "uruk highs" that was out duck huntin--they was kinda like orcs, but bigger, that's how come they was called "high". So they shoot Boromir, not wantin' him to git all the good ducks. Well, that ticked off Strider (who wuz now called "Aragorn" that bein' his rightful name, as fur as he could remember) and Legless and Gimley, and they went in shootin' and picked off most of them uruk-highs, who was about as smart as they was purty.

But some of 'em did manage to git away, and took them two little cousins of Frodo's, Merry (his momma wanted a girl) and Pippin, with 'em, thinkin' they was ducks wearin' fuzzy slippers.

"Let's hunt some orc," Aragorn sez. (King or no king, he was really a good ole boy deep down).

"Yee hah!" sez Gimley, who enjoyed all the simple innercent pleasures of life: good beer, and red meat, and chopping off orc heads and sich-like.

Legless jist smiled and looked right purty, and off they went, not even noticin' that the little fellers had done took all the donuts.

Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin was havin' a rough time of it, since them uruk high's made 'em drink some of their white lightnin' and then talked about eatin' their legs (the little fellers couldn't seem to convince 'em that they wuzn't ducks). But by an' by they did manage to sneak off whilste the fools was argyin' about the best way to cook a duck dinner, and first thing you know, there they wuz in a woods full a' talkin' trees!!!

"The tree is talkin', Merry," sez Pippin, who could be right sharp sometimes.

"Maybe we should ast it fer directions," Merry sez. (He wuz the practical one.)

"Real men don't ast fer directions," Pippin sez, all shocked an' everthang.

"We ain't men, fool, we're hobbits," Merry reminds him.

"Oh. That's right," Pip sez and a light bub comes on over his head.

"Silence, whippersnapper," sez.....no, wait. Wrong story.

So then the talkin' tree, who's named "Treebeard", (on account of he weren't too handy with a razor, havin' branches for hands an' all) tells the little fellers not to be hasty, then he starts belly-achin' about all the big bad folks cuttin' down the trees to put up parkin' lots and shoppin' malls an' stuff, then starts spoutin' a lot a' long winded poems an' talkin' 'bout how his wife run off with some good-lookin' young hydrangea bush, and purty soon our hobbit boys are gittin' right sleepy. But then they find some of Treebeard's home brew and drink a right smart of it, and purty soon they find theirselves gittin' taller!

(I AM NOT MAKIN' THIS UP!!!!!!)

Meanwhile, Aragorn, Legless and Gimley are still huntin' down them there uruk-high's, when they run across some fellers with hosses, wearin' hats that look like hoss's heads, so it's kinda hard to tell which is the hosses and which is the fellers, specially since their leader wuz actin' kinda like a hoss's rear end hisself. This feller, who's named Eomer--it used to be Elmer, but he figgered he'd be more of a bigshot if his name had more syllabulls, so he changed it--he tells our heroes him an' his men killt all them nasty uruks, and gives our heroes some nice hosses so they won't miss the little hobbit fellers so much. So Aragorn and Legless and Gimley go out and look around fer Merry and Pippin some more, when who should they meet with in the woods but...... Gandalf!!!!

#####

"Now ifn ya don't mind my sayin' so," sez Aragorn, "reckon you owe us a explanation, ole buddy."

"Well now," sez Gandalf, "me and that ole balrog wuz a fallin' down a big ole deep hole together, and after the third day we wuz still fallin' and the bottom was still nowhere in sight, and we wuz both gittin' a mite bored. So, finally I challenged him to a game of poker. 'Balrog,' sez I, 'tell ye whut, ole buddy. If you win, I'm all yourn. If I win, I gits outa here alive.' And he sez, 'Yer on, ole dude.' And so he whups out a deck from his pocket and...let me tell ye somethin, boys. Don't never say 'hit me' to a balrog. They tends to take things kinda literal-like."

"So then what happened?" Gimley ast after Gandalf paused thoughtful-like.

"Well," sez Gandalf, "next thing I know, I'm a a layin' in a big ole field of flowers, nekkid as a jaybird, and Mister Balrog is nowhere in sight. And what do I see but this purty blonde-headed lady all in white standin' a ways off. Well, at first I figgered I'd done died and went to heaven, but she didn't have no wings, and I didn't hear no harp music. All I had left was my hat, so I picks that up and holds it in front of me in kind of a strategical position, if ya know what I mean, and I walk up to the lady who's jist lookin' right at me like she's expectin' me. And she smiles and says, 'Is that a big pointy hat yer holdin' or are you jist glad to see me?' So I told her who I was and what happened and all. An' what do ya think? She knows y'all! Said ye'd done paid her a visit and ever'thang. She--"

"Why, that must be the donut lady!" sez Legless. "The one with the bird bath, that lives in the trees."

"Ah yes," sez Gimley with a sigh, bein' fair struck on her an' all. "She gimme a lock of her long yeller hair afore we left, she did."

"Haw!" Legless snickered. "She didn't give you no hair, you silly dwarf. You snuck it out of her hairbrush when you thought nobody wuz lookin."

"Did not!" sez Gimley.

"Did so!" sez Legless.

There might of been a reg'lar knock-down-drag-out, but for Aragorn, who steps in and sez to Gandalf, "So what happened then?"

"Well," sez Gandalf, "I ast her if she could find me somethin' to put on. And seems she's got other talents besides tellin' the future with bird baths and doin' funny tricks with thunder an' all. She's a reg'lar fashion expert too. And she sez, 'Hun, that tacky ole grey robe has gotta go, and that there hat too. Why don't you come on with me and let me give you one a' them there makeovers?' Seems she was runnin' a first-class beauty salon, and she took me there and give me a facial and done my hair and my nails, and I ast her if she might give me a perm too, but she sez, 'Why hun, perms are so last season, it's long an' stringy now' and takes one a' them flat-irons to my hair, then she goes out and brings me this nice new shiny white robe, and I sez, 'Why, that's what that Sorryman feller wears!' (This bein' the name of the bad wizard dude.)

And she sez, 'Why yes, this is the latest thang in wizard wear. You'd have you a heap more power an' influence if you didn't walk around lookin' like fashion roadkill, now wouldn't ya think?' And not only that, but she got me this purty new staff--it's the latest model, how's that fer snazzy?"

Our heroes had to admit, the new staff was a definite improvement over the old one, which had been all full of termite holes.

"And not only that," sez Gandalf, "wait'll you see my brand new hoss. Ain't he a doozy?" And he whistles a few bars of "I Ride An Ole Paint" and the purtiest white horse you ever seen comes gallopin' right up, big as you please!

"His name is Shadder Fax," sez Gandalf, and pulls out a lump of sugar from his pocket. Then Legless frowns a bit, and takes Aragorn aside for a minute.

"Let's go back to the mine and jump in that crack," he sez. "I could do with a new outfit, my own self."

But they never did get around to that, cuz Gandalf had other plans....

#####

Meanwhile...jist in case yer wonderin about what Frodo and Sam Wise are doin' right now.......

Frodo woke up with a yelp, and then, so did Sam Wise. "Whut is it, Mister Frodo?" he sez (bein' a most respectful hired hand, the way they don't hardly make 'em no more).

"I wuz havin' a awful dream, Sam Wise!" sez Frodo shiverin' all over. "See, I dreamt they wuz makin' a movie bout us, and, and..."

"And?" Sam Wise sez, real helpful-like, as always.

"And...well, remember when we wuz in that barroom? Well, I dreamt they give me this song and dance number on a table top, and then I'd sort of accidently put on the ring, and then disappear right in the midst, jist like Uncle Bilbo at the party...and...well, jist when I got it all down--they went and cut it! And they jist had me fall over somebody's foot and land on my be-hind, and the ring jist kinda falls on my finger! And not only that...y'know the part where I'm escapin' from all them scary suckers in the black suits? Well, they had me sayin' somethin' like, 'By Patsy Cline and Hank Williams--or somebody or other...you shall never have me, or the ring!' I cain't remember how it goes exactly, but--what do you think? They CUT it! It was a great line, and they CUT it, Sam Wise! Ever'body else gits all the good lines! An', an' I'm the hero an' all, and I don't even git the girl in the end! YOU git the girl in the end, and you're jist the sidekick! They only got me sailin' off to the Bahamas with my Uncle Bilbo!"

"You git to go to the Bahamas?" Sam Wise sez, real eager-like. "Why, shucks! I'll swap with ye, Mister Frodo. You kin have the girl, and I'll go to the Bahamas."

Frodo looks at him patiently. "It was only a dream, Sam Wise," he sez.

"Oh," sez Sam Wise, kinda puzzled. "Well...reckon that accounts fer that song you wuz singin'."

"Whut song?"

"You know...'Aruba, Jamaica, ooo I wanna take ya to Bermuda, Bahama, wearin' my pajamas' er somethin like that...Wuz that yer song and dance number, Mister Frodo?"

"Naw, Sam Wise. It were somethin' like 'See what the boys in the back room will have/And tell 'em I'm havin' the same/ Go see what the boys in the back room will have/And give 'em the poison they name....Well, it weren't a bad song really, but they had me in this blonde wig and some kinda feather thing, so maybe it's jist as well they cut it. Might of been kinda embarrassin', at that. Go on back to sleep, Sam Wise, we got a big day ahead of us."

Sam Wise lays back down, then sez, "I cain't git use to sleepin' out yere, Mister Frodo. Ever'where I lay, there's some big ole pesky root a stickin' in my back."

"Try takin' them pots an' pans off, Sam Wise," Frodo suggests kindly.

Sam Wise had to admit, it wuz a durn site more comfortable layin' down without his cookin' gear. But by an' by, Frodo sez, sniffin', "Sam Wise, when wuz the last time you had a bath?"

"Why, I cain't 'member exactly," Sam Wise sez, then he sniffs too. "Pew! You reckon there's a bodacious swamp nigh here?"

An' before Frodo could answer, somethin jumped right on top of 'em both, hissin' an' a scratchin' like a basketful a' wildcats!

But a wildcat smells much better, so that couldn't be it. Well, Frodo, he whups out his trusty frog sticker, that his Uncle give him, named "Sting" (folks named their frog stickers in his neck a' the woods) and he holds it on the critter that jumped them, sayin, "Unhire my handed hand, peckerwood!"....

Well, this critter, his real name wuz "Smeegle" but folks called him "Gollum" on account of he wuz always goin' around sayin' "Gollum Moses", specially when he wuz hawkin' up a wad of terbaccer juice.

And...you guessed it...HE wanted Frodo's purty gold ring too, which he called "Precious" after a dawg he had when he wuz a little un. In fact, Uncle Bilbo had won it from him in a game of hoss-shoes, and Gollum (bein' a couple a' sandwiches shy of a picnic) wuz sure now that Uncle Bilbo had cheated, and wuz dead-set on gittin' 'er back.

He hisself had got it from his twin brother Deegle, one day when they wuz out fishin' along with their good buddy Jim Beam. Deegle, now, he had jist hooked this bodacious big mouth bass, and wuz a reelin' it in, when ole Jim, bein' a right tricksy devil, pushed him in the water, and while he wuz down there he fetched up this same purty gold ring he found on the river bottom. An' Smeegle sez to him, "Gimme that, it's my birthday."

"Hit's my birthday too, fool," Deegle sez. "We's twins, remember?"

But then Jim starts whisperin' to Smeegle, "He's a dang liar, git it from him!" And Smeegle wuz never one to ignore ole Jim, so there wuz a reg'ler knock-down-drag-out, and Smeegle ends up gittin' the ring, and Deegle ends up bein' worm bait.

Now this Smeegle had other annoyin' habits as well, one of 'em bein' singin' at the table, so one day his granny sez to him, "Sing at the table, whistle in yer bed, Boogerman 'll git you by the hair a' yer head." But Smeegle, bein' the ornery cuss he wuz, he didn't listen to her, and went right on whistlin' "Yankee Doodle" and "Your Cheatin' Heart" and other aggervatin' tunes, well past bedtime, so that not only did the Boogerman git him by the hair of his head (which wuz why he didn't have much) but he also drug him clear over to where he lived, which was known as "More Door". Now the only thing goin' for this More Door, fur as Gollum wuz concerned, wuz that ever'body that lived there wuz even uglier than he wuz, so he looked purty durn good by comparison.

So finally the Boogerman, bein' even tricksier than Jim, he bribed Gollum into goin' after the ring, promisin' him 60 acres an' his own fishin' boat, and so there you have it.

Frodo and Sam Wise debated whut to do with him, Sam Wise bein' in favor of tyin' him up and throwin' him to the gators, but Frodo felt kinda sorry fer him, Gollum bein' sich miserable trailer trash an' all, not havin' the advantages they did (Frodo bein' one a' them sensitive bookish types, he thought like this. It got him into trouble sometimes, but in this story, it works to his advantage, so listen up.) Then he hits on the idee of makin' Gollum lead them to More Door (this bein' where the volcano wuz)--since they'd got away in sich a all-fired hurry, they'd done forgot the map. An' Sam Wise had to admit, this made sense. An' Gollum did turn out to be a right good rabbit hunter, so he ended up bein' useful in more ways than one, even if him an' Sam Wise did fall out over which was the best way to fry a mess a' catfish an' hush puppies. (Gollum bein' actually knowed to use possum grease!)

Well, they done got as fur as the gate, but seems they didn't have enough money with 'em to pay the toll, (besides the gate bein' the size of Texas, which was how More Door got its name) so Gollum sez he knows another way to sneak in.....

#####

Now, the King of Rohan, Theoden, bein' the uncle of Eomer (remember him?) wuz havin' his share of troubles too. Seems HE had him a hired hand too, by name of Grimy Wormtongue, who wuz a right mean an' sneaky an' ornery feller (well, wouldn't YOU be, if your momma named you "Grimy Wormtongue"?) and he wuz workin' for Sorryman (the bad wizard dude) and he had plenty of tricks up his sleeve, and had done put a hoodoo on the King, so that he wuz already in whut some folks call his "second childhood," and so he wuz more innerested in playin' marbles (even though he didn't have 'em all no more) an' collectin' baseball cards an' swingin' on the garden gate, an' stuff like that, than in rulin' the kingdom.

Now this King had a purty young niece named Eowyn, who wuz Eomer's sister, and Grimy kinda had a thing fer her, and Sorryman had done promised him that she'd be his gal if he'd come to work fer him an' all. But Grimy wuz havin' a hard time gittin' her attention. He tried all kinds a' things (reckon it never occurred to him to put a hoodoo on her too!) He'd foller her around makin' puppy-dawg eyes, till she called him "foul dwimmerlake"--this means "potty face" but he thought it meant "hey there, tall, dark an' handsome, how 'bout a date tonight?" an' so he kept up his pursuit, tellin' hisself she wuz jist playin' hard to git.

So he wrote her a valentine that said "Roses are red, vi'lets are blue, the size a' my sword might be pleasin' to yew". A bit later he found it stuck between the pages of the catalogue in the outhouse, an' sez to hisself, "She likes me, ah knows it!" An' he got the idee to serenade her underneath her winder, havin' heard that all gals likes that. First he looks in the mirror, thinkin' "Which is my best side?" and decides "the side without the wart." So he keeps the side of his face without the wart turned towards her balcony, and sings:

Hey, good lookin'
Whutcha got cookin'?
How 'bout cookin'
somethin' up with me?

Well, he figgered if that didn't melt her heart, whut would? But she didn't so much as come to the winder, so he tried somethin' else, thinkin' maybe the "down home" approach might appeal more to her:

Yer so sweet,
horse flies keep hangin' round yer face
Kintucky moonshine
could never take yer place
An' yer eyes gimme goose bumps
down to my toes
Like the only rooster in the hen house
I guess it shows!

When her chamber pot came crashin' down on his head he wuz a mite discouraged, but then sez to hisself: "Maybe 'cute' would work better." And so he sings:

Baby let me be
yer lovin' teddy bear
Put a chain around my neck
an' lead me anywhere
Oh let me be
yer teddy bear!

The hot grease she poured on his head kinda indicated that maybe she wuz maybe a mite too sophisticated for the "cute" approach. So he tries somethin' more sophisticated:

Ma cherie amour
lovely as a summer day
Ma cherie amour
distant as the Milky Way
Ma cherie amour
purty little one that I adore
yer the only one my heart beats fer
How I wisht that yew wuz mine.....

Well, he might a' been plenty worser off, if he hadn't a' been able to run faster than her pit bull....

But he weren't one to give up easy. An' so he follered her around, moonin' over her, promisin' her this an' that, givin' her candy an' flowers, recitin' poems, singin' "If I Told You You Had a Beautiful Body, Would You Hold it Against Me?" and "Honey, Let Me Be Yer Salty Dawg" an' other sweet love songs...But after so much of this, her brother started gittin' mightily ticked off, an' so one day he referred to Sorryman as a "slime covered filthy egg suckin' pissant" which didn't set too well with Grimy, who didn't like folks insultin' his boss. An' so Grimy put the hoodoo on the King oncet more, an' got pore ole Eomer throwed out, which wuz how he happened to meet up with our heroes......

And so Gandalf decides they need to pay this Grimy a little visit...............

#####

So as Aragorn, Legless, Gimley, and the New, Improved Gandalf arrives at the King's house, the first thing they spy is one a' them plastic lawn flamingos stickin' out front. Gimley looks at it and gits all sentimental and teary eyed.

"Reminds me of my ma," he sez.

"Yer ma was a flamingo?" Legless snickers. "I bet her legs wuzn't THAT long!"

"Course not, fool," Gimley sez, gittin' a bit hot under the collar. "She had one of 'em out front of our minin' shack, that's all. She had sich a love of beautiful thangs."

"Had her a beard too, I betcha," Legless sez with a wink.

"Well at least MY daddy don't wear a dress!" Gimley sez, all het up good now.

But before a real knock-down-drag-out could ensue, Gandalf knocks at the door. The guard feller there made 'em check their weapons and go through the metal detecter thingy an' all. This didn't set too well with our heroes, specially Gimley.

"Whut you wanna bet, they're some a' them there 'axe control' boogers," he growled, wishin' he had his WHEN THEY OUTLAW BATTLE-AXES, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE BATTLE-AXES--AND SO WILL MY FATHER-IN-LAW chain-mail t-shirt with him. "Dang sissy liberals!"

"Shh," Aragorn sez. "Don't raise a fuss about it, Gimley. The King's jist got whut they call 'trust issues,' that's all."

But Gandalf wuz determined nobody wuz gonna lay hands on his purty new staff. So he sez: "Jist be keerful of it, allrighty? I needs it fer when I go back to that there AIDS hospital place where I'm a volunteer, y'know?" Well, the guard feller wouldn't tetch the staff after that. So in ever'body went, and there was the King, along with Eowyn, and that ole Grimy Wormtongue. The King and Grimy was playing "jacks" and Eowyn wuz lookin' on kinda sulky-like. They'd invited her to play, of course, but she thought jacks wuz a silly girly game and she wuz one a' them "tomboy" types of gals. She liked swords and stuff, and spent a lot of time practicin' hackin' the heads off of orc dummies. (Stuffed ones, that is.)

"You ain't on threesies," she sez to Grimy when she ketches him tryin' to cheat. "Yer only on twosies, you dadblame snake in the grass."

Grimy jist looks at her kind of pleading like. The King gits all mad and sez, "Cheater, cheater, punkin eater!" and takes the ball and smacks Grimy right between the eyes with it. Legless sidles up to Aragorn and whispers to him that it's his humble opinion that this here King wuz a few weenies short of a barbecue, and fer once Gimley wuz in agreement with him. That's when they all look up and spy our heroes.

And they seen Gandalf's brand new outfit and didn't believe it wuz him, cuz the real Gandalf had all the fashion sense of a pack mule, accordin' to ol' Grimy, but Gandy jist raised his nice new staff and presto, took the whammy right off of ole King Theoden! And the King looks at Grimy and sees that, yes, he WUZ cheating at jacks, and picks him up by the scruff of the neck and chucks him right out the door!

"Young folks these days ain't got no respect fer their elders," he hollers at him, and that way our heroes knew the King wuz out of his "second childhood" and back to normal. "When I wuz a young 'un, my daddy would a' took me out to the woodshed if I'd a' give him any sass! Young folks nowadays is goin' to hell in a hand-basket!"

Well, ol' Grimy didn't like that, and he starts throwin' a hissy fit.

"After all I done fer you," he whines. "Sorryman is gonna hear about this. He ain't gonna like the way yall treated me. I'm gonna sue. Where's my lawyer? I'm gonna git my rights, jist yall wait 'n see. Yall kin kiss me where the sun don't shine. I ain't gonna stand fer this kinda treatment. I better git unemployment compensation. An' I'm shore gonna tell 'im how bad the workin' conditions is here, an'--"

That was the point where the King picked up all the jacks and stuffed them right in Grimy's mouth, and then booted him right down the steps! Ol' Grimy flips 'em all off and goes runnin' off, and Eowyn sticks out her tongue at him, and then she turns around and gits a load of Aragorn, standin' there with all his manly good looks and his big ol' longggg sword....

"Well, hellooooooo, dolly," she sez, battin' her eyes right up at him, and he thinks, "Uh ohhhh...."

**********To Be Continued**********

"Fellership of the Rang" | Humor Index