~~THEY SAID WHAAAATTTTTT????!!!!~~
Call 'em "anti-quotes"....These are all mine (yes, I actually admit to it;))...originally posted in somebody's Livejournal when I had nothing better to do...lol
*********** Gandalf: Ack, a moth! SPLAT
**
Rosie: Sam, have you seen my birth control pills?

Arwen: Aaaahhhhh, keep the tacky thing, Aragorn. It came out of a Cracker Jacks box anyway.
Aragorn: Sure, whatever, babe. It does look better on me, come to think of it!

Eomer: Grima, I would like to offer you my sister's hand in marriage. Eowyn, don't give this nice man any trouble, ok sis?

Eowyn: Screw all this feminist crap. I just want to marry a nice successful man, settle down in a pretty little cottage with a flower garden and a white picket fence, learn to cook and sew and knit, and have plenty of kids. Swords are for lesbos! Gimme a nice little cage any ol' day....

Lurtz: C'mon guys, we don't wanna hurt nobody. Why don't we just all get together over a nice cup of coffee and talk this over like civilized human beings, shall we?
Aragorn: Sure, why not? Let me comb my hair and I'll be right with you.
Legolas: Here, take my brush.
Gimli: Got any cappuccino?
Boromir: Hey, nice arrows!

Frodo: (upon being stung by Shelob) OWWWW!!!! Dang, that smarts! Ohhhh sh, why why WHY didn't I just flush the damn ring down the toilet...this is what I get for trying to save the world...just think, I could be kicking back in the bathhouse right now, sipping a strawberry daiquiri and reading the Sunday funnies...I could be sitting in front of the fireplace at Bag End gazing into the flames and contemplating the mysteries of the universe...I could be at the Green Dragon knocking back a few pints and busting a move on the tabletop and batting the ol' baby blues at the barmaids, but NOOOOO...we had to play the HERO...we had to be the Savior of Middle Earth, DIDN'T WE, we couldn't let the Big People have all the glory, now could we...we were tired of being soooo cute and soooo adorable all the time and we had to show our real stuff, we had to be all noble and crap and look where it got us...if I just had that big pompous windbag of a Lord Elrond here now, I would, I would...pttttttttttt........klunk
Shelob: (to herself) Whew, I was beginning to wonder if he was really worth all the trouble.....

Eowyn: Where is she? The woman who gave you that jewel.
Aragorn: Whaa--oh hell, I dunno. Just some skinny Elf bimbo that had the hots for me, long time ago. You doin' anything tonight, pretty mama?

Bilbo: And here's my old sword, Sting. Made by Elves. It glows blue when orcs are near.
Frodo: Ugh, blue is so not my color, man. Here, you keep it, uncle. I'll use my Kung Fu.

Frodo: And hey, that mithril shirt looks sissyfied. I can't believe you'd actually expect me to put on a thing like that! Ack! Only dorks are wearing chain mail this year anyway. Dude, I thought everybody knew that. Where's my CHICK MAGNET muscle tee? storms out
Bilbo: Sheesh, what a spoiled brat! Whatever possessed me to adopt him? Next time I'll get a rottweiler.
**
Gandalf: Wait till Saruman gets a load of my new white robe, man. Is he gonna be pissed!

Sam: Hey Frodo, why don't you do the cooking for a change. Me and Gollum here are gonna go play Go Fish.

Galadriel: (to Gimli) Wanna see my tattoo?

Frodo: (to Galadriel before leaving) Uh, hey, ma'm, could you like, do that 'evil queen' thing one more time for Sam and Merry and Pippin here? That was like, soooooo COOL!!

Sauron: All right, next orc that makes fun of my flip-up sun lens is gonna get his ass kicked!

Frodo: (at Lothlorien) Dudes, I just thought of something. We could use this Ring to like, get invisible and spy on Elf chicks like, taking baths and stuff.....
Boromir: (to himself) Now why didn't I think of that?

Gandalf: Legolas, take a pop at that eagle, will you, bro? It just pooped on my hat.

Pippin: (at Rivendell) Whooooaaaa, look at all these encyclopedias and and globes and stuff. Bitchin!!! Who needs food when you got all this great intellectual s?

Sam: (at the Prancing Pony) That fellow's done nothing but stare at you since we arrived.
Frodo: Can I help it if I'm cuter than you?

Aragorn: The mines are no place for a pony, not even one so brave as Bill.
Sam: But, what if we like, run out of food or something, we could........ah, never mind.

Legolas: (at Lothlorien) A lament for Gandalf.
Merry: What do they say about him?
Legolas: (singing)
"He fell into a burnin' ring of fire
He went down, down, down
and the flames they got higher
And it burns, burns, burns
In a ring of fire...."

Galadriel: Will you look into the mirror?
Frodo: What will I see?
Galadriel: Probably a lot of bird poop!

Galadriel: Will you look into the mirror?
Frodo: What will I see?
Galadriel: Your pretty blue eyes, cutie britches simper*

Gollum: Ahhhh who needs nassssty Ring anyway. We gets niiiiiicccceeee tongue stud, yessss preciousss.....

Legolas: Gollum?? That ugly little bugger down there? Let me at 'im! SPLOING Bull's eye! smiles happily
Gandalf: Good shot! Now that we're rid of that pest, we can get on with saving the world.
****
Theoden: Your leech craft would have had me crawling on all fours like a beast!
Grima: Send me not from your side!
Theoden: raises sword
Aragorn: YESSSS!!!! Make fish bait out of that slimy scuzzball, yer highness! I wanna see BLOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
****
Gimli: Nobody tosses a dwarf! (Legolas catches him by the beard) Not the beard!!!!
Legolas: grinning Whatever, dude. lets go
Gimli: AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
****
Eomer: I would cut off your head, dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground!
Legolas: Want me to lift him up for you? (to Gimli) hey chill out man, just kidding snicker
****
Orc#1: You look so pretty and you smell soooo nice baby, how 'bout a date?
Orc#2: what do you think I am, a sex object???? Take that!!!SLAP! sniff Why can't anybody ever like me for my mind??

Galadriel: I think hairy feet are sexy.

Saruman: Screw this world domination crap. And screw this stupid tower and these stinking Uruks. I just wanna go adopt some cute little hobbit kids.

Hobbit kids: Ick, there's that awful old man again. Let's throw rocks at him! Nyah nyah Gandalf!!!! pppppptttttt

Bilbo: Ahhhh, the Sackville-Bagginses! My favorite relations! Come in, come in, mi casa tu casa....

Hobbit kids: Ahhh Mister Bilbo, you're just making that up. Nobody believes those dumb stories of yours! Trolls--pooey!!!

Legolas: I think hairy feet are sexy.

Frodo: Man, that watcher thing was like, sooooo AWESOME!!! I want one for a pet! Maybe we could like, dig a pool out back of Bag End....

Aragorn: Sheesh, these dang hobbits are such a @#%&!! nuisance. Screw all this saving the world crap, I'm gonna go home and watch some football!
Legolas: I'm with ya, dude. Who wants to bring the beer and pizza?
Gimli: I think I'd rather watch some ballet.

Gandalf: After you, Mister Balrog. Hey--nice wings.

Rosie: Time for my foot wax appointment.
Sam: But Rosie, I think hairy feet are sexy.

Treebeard: Those environmental whackos and hippie tree-huggers are getting on my last nerve! @#%&#!!! wimpy liberals!!

Sam: (in Lothlorien) Dude, look at all those hot Elf chicks. We're going to score!
Frodo: Yeah. Check out that one over there. She's got like, real big thingies.
Sam: Huh huh huh! Yeah. Baby, come to Samwise..........

Legolas: (examining arrow from eyesocket of corpse) Goblins!
Boromir: How can you tell?
Legolas: Look here at the shaft: it says 'pointy end goes out'....

Grima: touches Eowyn's cheek So fair and so cold, like a morning of pale spring still clinging to winter's chill....
Eowyn: dewy eyed Oh Grima...you say the nicest things!
****
Saruman looks down at all the flooding
shaking fist All right, which of you @#%^#@!! stupid orcs stopped up the commode again???!!!
~~MORE THINGS HE PROBABLY DIDN'T SAY~~
COME ON YOU SISSIES, IT'S ONLY A LITTLE WATER!!! BACK STROKE!!!!!
What do you mean, my flood insurance policy has lapsed??
Women and children first....
Where, oh where, is my rubber ducky?

Aragorn: You can keep your daughter, Elrond. I've just met a blonde chick that makes Arwen look like an orc! Hey, could I borrow one of your hair clips, bro?

Gandalf: Shadowfax, you ugly old worthless nag, you. I'm going to trade you in for a warg!

At Rivendell:
Sam: Hey, check out THAT elf chick! what a BABE!
Frodo: Uhhhh...I think that's like, a dude, bro. grins*
Sam: No? Bummer! Well, what about her, she's way hot...
Merry: That's a dude too, Sam. Heheh.
Sam: Well...that one with the long blonde....
Pippin: snicker That's a dude, even I knew that, haha...
Sam: Damn, this place SUCKS!!! Screw the Elves, I wanna go back to the Shire!

Galadriel: To hell with these ethereal queenly vestments, they just get in my way. Where are my grungy jeans and my I'M WITH STUPID t-shirt?

Arwen: Eowyn sweetie, this stew is DIVINE! Wait till my hubby gets a taste...may I have the recipe?
Eowyn: Sure Dearie, let me go and get it for you! I've been taking cooking lessons from this funny-looking little chubby guy with hairy feet, makes a mean hasenpfeffer with mushrooms....to herself Heheh...take a heaping teaspoon of strychine, mix in half a cup of arsenic...Immortal, are we? We'll just see about THAT...muahahahaha....

Gandalf: Ok Saruman, whatever you say. So what if Sauron takes over the world, I've always wanted to be a slave anyway. And hey, those spikey helmets are The Bomb!

Elrond: Enough already with the smart cracks about my butterfly hair clip! It has great sentimental value, I'll have you know! It was my wife's farewell gift to me.
Aragorn: smirk Sure, whatever, Pops....whispers to Gimli hey, you think that's something, you oughta see his lace garter belt and fishnet hose....
Elrond: I HEARD THAT!!!

Frodo: Hey man, these orc clothes KICK ASS!!! The hobbit chicks will be like, soooo impressed!

Gothmog: Where's my deodorant and breath freshener?

Sauron: If only I could meet a pretty female eyeball.....

Sam: Can you see the bottom?
Frodo: How can I miss anything that big when it's like right above me?
Sam: I meant the bottom of the cliff...grrr....to himself Why the hell do I put up with him anyway?

Gandalf: A thing is about to happen here that has not happened since the Elder Days. The Ents are going to wake up and find that they are strong.
Gimli: Hope they got plenty of mouthwash. Phew, can you imagine the morning breath after all those centuries?

Pippin: I feel like I'm back at the Green Dragon after a hard day's work!
Merry: Yeah, you work much too hard, Pip. You oughta take it easier. Lighten up a bit. You know what they say about all work and no play?
Pippin: Yes, I know I'm much too serious sometimes...but I just can't help myself. I'm such a stickler for keeping my nose to the grindstone and one foot in front of the other and sound fiscal management and that sort of thing. Runs in the family I guess. I come from a long line of workaholics!

Legolas: Whooooaaaaa....was that skull avalanche just the coolest thing you ever saw or what?

Denethor: Faramir, mind your manners! Haven't you been taught not to slurp your soup? Stop licking your fingers! What do you think napkins are for?

Frodo: Sam, how about thwapping Gollum upside of the head for me. He's really starting to get on my nerves.

Sam: Let him go, you filth!
Shelob: But hey, I'm not gonna eat him! I just want to keep him for a pet. He's so adorable and I never had a pet before. Well, I had a pet warg once, but my sister-in-law ate him, the greedy bitch...and all I ever get around here is filthy orcses, and they always make fun of me saying real spiders don't have stingers and my dad must have been a giant wasp....please, can't I just keep him? Pleasepleaseplease? I've no one else to love sniff sob whimper whine
Sam: Oh, all right, all right already, take him! Geez! to himself as he stalks away Call me a softy, but I just can't stand to see a giant spider cry.......

Pippin: Ick, what's that scary round thing? Get it away from me! I don't wanna touch it! Cover it up!

Faramir: Look, Dad, if you're so keen to have Osgiliath retaken, do it yourself. I'm high-tailing it out to the pool hall.

Gothmog: Whattya MEAN, I'm just another pretty face??? I'll show ya!

Pippin: But you're coming with me?
Merry: The hell I am! Who do you think we are, Frodo and Sam? Why should we be together every waking minute, huh? Learn to do without me for a change, cuz! to himself Whoa, it'll be great to get a break from that loser for a while! What a chump! And hey, I'll get all the rest of the Longbottom leaf all to myself..........
~~GANDALF'S PEP TALKS~~
Gandalf: Samwise, my lad, when are you going to wake up and realize the world does NOT revolve around YOU?? Stop snivelling about all your own wants and needs and try thinking of your master for a change, you selfish slug!!!!
Gandalf: C'mon Aragorn, don't be such a wuss--it's just a bunch of dead guys! What can a hoard of ghosts do to you? Stop shivering in your boots and sharpen that sword and hike your wimpy butt out there prontissimo....
Gandalf: Eowyn, you little priss, can't you ever just stop primping and get some backbone? Forget about your nails and get on your horse and farewell those men! Call yourself a princess? You're too goody-goody even to wring the neck of a chicken!
Gandalf: Pippin, relax, my good fellow...loosen up! Don't be afraid to get out and explore new things! Here, have a sandwich, what are you, watching your figure or something? Bah!!! Go ahead and look into that crystal ball, you just may get a pleasant surprise....
Gandalf: Bilbo, you're the life of the party, a total crack-up! That disappearing thing was the cat's pajamas! What will you think of next?
Gandalf: C'mon Frodo, give me that ring...come on, just fork it over! What, you're afraid I'll turn evil or something? Who do you think you're dealing with anyway?
Gandalf: Legolas, two words: target practice!
Gandalf: C'mon Boromir, you know if you want something you just have to reach out and take it! You think somebody's just going to hand it to you on a plate? Hah!! Look at him, he's half your size, what the @#$%^&!! can he do to you? Go on--take the ring!
Gandalf: Eomer, you should know better than to defy your uncle's counselor! Why, look at him...doesn't he have a face you can trust?
Gandalf: Faramir, listen to your father, he knows what's best!
Gandalf: Arwen, what can you possibly see in Aragorn? He's not much to look at, he's so irritatingly fastidious in his grooming habits, he's afraid of his shadow, and he can't keep his eyes off the wenches, especially the blondes wink* You'd do much better to listen to your father and blow off that womanizing milquetoast dandy, my dear!
Gandalf: Saruman, I think you're right, who are we to be at odds with Sauron? After all, he's been around longer than we have, it stands to reason that he's so much wiser! Yes, of course we should join with him...think of the perks.......
Gandalf: Gimli, stop swinging that axe around, son...you're liable to hurt somebody!
Gandalf: Frodo, I'm outa here--I need to find somebody cuter to hang out with!

To usher in the Fourth Age, King Elessar goes in for a totally new look....
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