Humor3

More Lord of the Rings Musical Numbers
...along with some other tidbits of silliness...
~~~~~~~~
~The Uruk Mash~
(to the tune of "Monster Mash")
Saruman:
I was working in the cavern late one night
when my eyes beheld an eerie site
A monster from the slime began to rise
And suddenly, to my surprise....
Orcs:
He did the Mash....
Saruman:
He did the Uruk Mash...
Orcs:
The Uruk Mash....
Saruman:
It was an Orthanc smash....
Orcs:
The Uruk Mash....
Saruman:
It caught on in a flash....
Orcs:
The Uruk Mash....
Saruman:
He did the Uruk Mash.....
He rose with a roar, seized an orc by the throat
And I knew in a moment he could rock Gandalf's boat
And kick his puny fellowship right where it hurts
What shall I call him? how about Lurtz.....
Orcs:
He'll do the Mash....
Saruman:
He'll do the Uruk Mash....
Orcs:
The Uruk Mash....
Saruman:
Middle Earth he will trash...
Orcs:
The Uruk Mash....
Saruman:
With the Titans they'll clash....
Orcs:
The Uruk Mash....
Saruman:
He'll do the Uruk Mash....
The goblins were having fun
The party had just begun
The guests included Grima
aka Wormtongue.....
Orcs:
We did the Mash....
Saruman:
They did the Uruk Mash....
Orcs:
The Uruk Mash....
Saruman:
They were having a bash....
Orcs:
The Uruk Mash....
Saruman:
Better than reading slash....
Orcs:
The Uruk Mash....
Saruman:
They did the Uruk Mash....
[Lurtz leads the Orcs in a heavy footed dance while Saruman looks on in fascinated pride]
Out of the palantir Sauron's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
"Stop fooling around, Saruman, no time to be smarmy
Rip down those apple trees and build me an army!"
Orcs:
So we can Mash....
Saruman:
So you can Uruk Mash....
Orcs:
The Uruk Mash....
Saruman:
Gandalf's party you'll crash.....
Orcs:
The Uruk Mash....
Saruman:
You will settle their hash....
Orcs:
The Uruk Mash....
Saruman:
You'll do the Uruk Mash....
Now everything's cool, I've raised up quite a band
Each bearing the mark of my lily white hand
Go find that Ringbearer, bring him back live and kickin'
Then for dinner you'll taste something far better than chicken!
Orcs & Uruks:
We'll do the Mash....
Saruman:
You'll do the Uruk Mash....
Lurtz:
We'll eat man flesh....
Saruman:
As I twirl my mustache....
Uruks:
Elf chicks we'll flash....
Saruman:
Sauron won't bat a lash....
Orcs:
The Uruk Mash....
Saruman:
You'll do the Uruk Mash.....
[The Orcs all join hands and dance in a ring around Saruman, who holds his staff aloft with gleeful chuckles]

~Splish Splash~
to the tune of "Splish Splash, I was Taking a Bath"...
Treebeard:
Splish splash, you'll be takin' a bath
Saruman, you son of a dog
Rub a dub, you'll be drowning in your tub
Floatin' like a dead bullfrog...
We're breakin' the dam
Releasin' the water
Pretty soon sucker,
you'll be wetter than an otter
Splish splash, you'll be takin' a bath
The Ents have got a party goin' on....
Ents:
You'll be a splishin' and a splashin'
Moanin' and a groanin'
Slippin' and a drippin',
Soakin' and a croakin', yeah!
[They dance as Merry and Pippin play hobbit instruments]
Treebeard:
Bing bang, I done brought the whole gang
All the way to old Isengard
Flip flop, better get out the mop
We've made a swimmin' pool of your yard....
Here am I Treebeard and Merry and a Pippin
And ol' Quickbeam, gonna really get you drippin'
Wella, splish splash, you are gonna get a bath
Hope you got your wadin' boots on....
All together:
Cuz you'll be splishin' and a splashin',
Moanin' and a groanin'
Slippin' and a drippin',
Soakin' and a croakin',
we'll be floatin' and a gloatin'
splishin' and a splashin'...yeah!!!

~You Can't Get a Man With a Blade~
to the tune of "You Can't Get a Man With a Gun" (from Annie, Get Your Gun)
Eowyn:
Oh, my mother was frightened by daggers, they say
That's why I've such skill with a sword;
I'd be out in the courtyard shouting 'engarde!' all day,
And now tell me what's my reward?
I'm quick with a parry
whenever necessary,
with a riposte I make the grade,
but my score with a feller
is lower than a cellar,
oh you can't get a man with a blade!
When I wield a cutlass,
I render Nazguls gutless
yes, I quite leave 'em in the shade,
but by guys I am off-kissed,
I always leave 'em off-piste,
oh you can't get a man with a blade!
With a blade, with a blade,
oh you can't get a man with a blade.....
If I went to battle,
you'd hear the orc bones rattle
at the end of our escapade;
But, if I smote the general,
they'd quickly preach my funeral
and you can't bring a royal
to a boil with a foil,
no, you can't get a man with a blade!
I'm cool, brave, and daring
to see an orc-lord glaring
be he ugly as sin home-made...
But a look from a Ranger
will put my heart in danger
oh you can't get a man with a blade!
The gals in the kitchen,
with fellows they are hitchin'
making stew, pie or lemonade
But a gal with close distance
meets only with resistance
oh you can't get a man with a blade!
With a blade, with a blade,
no, you can't get a man with a blade....
He might buy a panty
for ladies who are dainty
he might sing tender serenades....
But men don't buy knickers
for gals who are butt kickers
and you can't make him yield
in the field with a shield
no, you can't get a man with a blade!
********
~Swingin' on a Star~
(to the tune of.....uh......"Swingin' on a Star".....ahem)
Galadriel:
Would you like to swing on a star
Carry starlight around in a jar
You could be better off than you are
Or would you rather be a Troll?
A Troll won't do anything but swing a big mace
Leaves dwarf bones all over the place
His back is brawny but his brain is weak
He's mean and ugly with a smelly reek
And by the way, if you have no self-control
You may grow up to be a Troll!
glances slyly in the direction of Boromir
But would you like to swing on a star
Carry starlight around in a jar
You could be better off than you are
or would you rather be an Orc?
An Orc has a face only his mama could love
He's nasty when it comes to push or shove
He has no manners at his breakfast or lunch
If he's really hungry, on your leg he may munch
So if you hate to use a spoon or a fork
You may grow up to be an Orc!
winks at Pippin
But would you like to swing on a star
Carry starlight around in a jar
You could be better off than you are
or would you rather be a Wraith?
A Wraith is a scary dude all dressed up in black
His voice could bring on a heart attack
To serve Lord Sauron is his only thought
He's scared of water so he screams a lot
So if you don't have a lot of hope or faith
You could grow up to be a Wraith....
looks seriously at Frodo
And all the Wargs aren't in Isengard
You might spy one or two in your yard
So you see, if you try very hard
You could be better than you are....
You could be swingin' on a star!
exits with a smile
Boromir: glancing upward Well...that was interesting.
Merry: Hey, anybody wanna hear a good blonde joke?
Gimli: fingers his axe Don't you even think about it, laddie.
Pippin: Did somebody say food?

****
~The Ballad of Gollum~
Gollum was a scrawny bugger
but sneaky as a New York mugger
agile as a spider monkey
this Gollum was a jewelry junkie
twin personalities, Gollum called Stinker
and Smeagol, also known as Slinker
who loved raw fish and birdses crunchable
but considered elf-bread most unlunchable.
for a gold ring, this naughty Smeagol
did throttle his cousin, luckless Deagol;
now, clad in little but a thong
he followed Sam & Frodo long
determined to retrieve his Precious
whose hold on him was sore tenacious
he led the hobbitses into the lair
of a spider the size of a grizzeldy bear
poor Frodo stung and left for dead,
Gollum proceeded then ahead
unaware that Samwise the Brave
his dear master soon would save
nonetheless, Stinker tailed the pair
up the volcano's rocky stair
the Ring from Frodo's hand he nipped
but lost his footing soon and slipped
in boiling lava he was swallowed
his Precious hard upon him followed
Frodo & Sam were picked up by eagles
but no bird would rescue poor Smeagol
Sauron's tower split and cracked
and gave him a monstrous cataract...
Middle Earth was saved, hurray!
Gollum's treachery won the day
Moral: the most nasssty blokes
may save the world and all its folks....

That was so not pretty!

This one has nothing to do with LotR...I wrote it in honor of Talk Like a Pirate day and didn't know where else to put it! Arrrrr.......
(Iron Bess Kidd is my pirate name, in case you're wondering.......)
Iron Bess Kid
I'm a fine pirate wench
without nary shame
I'm a roguish caution,
Iron Bess is me name
I sails where I likes
and puts in where I please
and they calls me the Scourge
o' the High Seven Seas!
I'm Iron Bess Kid
in rum I'm awash
I'll show ye me buckle
if ye'll show yer swash
Yer Blackbeards an' Bluebeards
I brings to their knees
An' they calls me the Scourge
o' the High Seven Seas!
I knows plenty ballads
some pure an' some bawdy
But I'm at me best
when I'm feelin' quite naughty
Let the landlubbers quiver
like leaves i' the breeze
Jist beware o' the Scourge
o' the High Seven Seas!
!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REAL LOTR NUT WHEN....
you're about to slice open a watermelon and you hold the knife blade to your forehead for a moment....
you dive under a tree when the bratty little kid down the road lets out an ear-splitting screech
you name all your steak knives
you talk to your jewelry (and it talks back)
your cat is watching you eat and you hold the sandwich out of her reach saying, "If you want it, come and claim it!".........then dump water on her when she tries to get it (hey, it works!;))
you get up to go to the john at night and pick up a bottle of perfume off your dresser and wave your hand over it to make it light up
you wrap your hi-carb energy bars in big green leaves
when the neighbor's ugly dog barks at you you wave a garden hoe at him menacingly and say, "Bring your pretty face to my axe!"
you name your motorcycle "Aragorn" because it throbs hotly between your legs snerk
you sew silver sequins to all your undershirts
you catch moths and whisper to them
you put on a bridal gown to fill your cat's water dish with a silver pitcher from the sink
you hang Christmas lights all over your kid's tree house
you name your car "Shadowfax"
you yell "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" at stupid motorists who try to go around you on a double yellow line
you tell your employees: "This task was appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, no one will!"
you stare into a bowling ball and see a big flaming eye
in the break room you bite into a pop-tart and say to your co-workers: "One small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man!"
you put Rogaine on your feet
you sit and think up stuff like this when you could be doing something constructive.......
**********
~WHO'S THE CUTEST?~
the hobbits hotly bicker over which one of them is the cutest while Gandalf stands aside listening
Frodo: I'm the cutest! No contest!
Pippin: Now wait a minute, cuz. Look at ME, I have a scottish accent, I'm always doing stupid things and getting into trouble! Everybody thinks that is soooo cute, y'know....
Sam: Well, there's really something to be said for a roly-poly, apple-cheeked, cuddly little chubby teddy bear of a guy, I should say...especially one that can cook and loves growing things and ponies....
Merry: Just a minute! Look at my habit of raiding gardens and snitching fireworks, just like a little bunny rabbit! And dancing on tavern tables and singing convivial songs--you're telling me THAT's not cute? You should have seen me in my suit of armor, riding with the Lady Eowyn...I really think she kinda had a thing for me, I know she did....
Frodo: Well an Elf Lady took ME for a ride! And the whole time she kept whispering in my ear, "Soon as we get you all well and chipper again, I'm gonna eat you up alive, Snooks!" And everybody knows Elf chicks are the smartest, not to mention the hottest...
Pippin: But I can sing too!!! And my armor was cuter than yours...and then there's my accent....
Merry: I eat apples!!!
Pippin: I eat mushrooms! Mushrooms are way cuter than apples!! Fairies live under 'em and all....
Sam: Well, I'M the one Rosie married! SHE thinks I'm the cutest! So there!!
Frodo: But look at my EYES!!!
Pippin: But look at MY pointy ears!!!
Merry: Uh...we all have pointy ears, Pip.
Pippin: Well...that's true.
Sam: There's just something soooo adorable about a quaint little rustic couple....
Merry: Or about a quaint little rustic m�nage � trois? (the other hobbits frown at him) Just kidding!
Frodo: Lady Galadriel was pretty keen on me too...she kept sending me these telepathic messages like "Roses are red, strawberries are too, brown eyes are hot, but I prefer blue"--stuff like that....
(Bilbo hears all the chatter and shuffles into the room)
Bilbo: Now just a minute, boys. What about the undeniable appeal of a white-haired grandfatherly little old hobbit who loves to sit before the fire and smoke a pipe and tell stories of dragons and dwarves and trolls to wide-eyed little children? And that thing I did with my fists at Gandalf...now wasn't that the cutest thing you ever saw? Gandalf, what do you think? Which of us do you think is the cu--Gandalf?
(Everyone turns to look and sees that Gandalf has slipped away)

I am so going to Valinor!!

~BEDTIME STORIES~
Strider sings softly to himself beside the campfire
Frodo: Who was she? This woman you sing of.
Strider: 'Tis the lay of Gerty Guttroar, the Outhouse Racing Champion of Mordor, an orc maiden who gave her love to a mortal.
Frodo: What happened to her?
Strider: She entered the Annual Chili Bean Eating Contest and was asphyxiated to death, as was everyone around her. Which is how the Dead Marshes really came about. looking a trifle embarrassed at the emotion he betrays Get some sleep, Frodo.
Frodo: lies down with a sigh Gee, I love romantic bedtime stories.....
**********
~THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE OFFICE~
(This one isn't mine--found it on a TheOneRing.net message board and thought it was a hoot.....don't remember who originally posted it though!)
None of the characters herein represented is intended to bear any resemblance to any person, living, dead, on a coffee break, or just nipped out to the loo.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
FISCO � The Ring-Binder. Got �victim� written all over him if you ask me� Very nice eyes though.
SCANNED ALF � Office know-it-all, and part-time conjuror (has an invisible friend, Shadow Fax)
JAM � Fisco�s faithful henchperson, close friend, and regular wrecker of the photocopier.
BLEEPIN � Named after the overworked answerphone he keeps swearing at.
VERY � Always being asked �are you busy?� to which he kept replying �very�. It stuck.
BILL WOE BAGGINS � Responsible for notoriously disorganised accounts dept. Think back to the state of Bag End!
STAPLER � The rugged, sharp-witted outsider with many hidden good points.
LEDGERLESS � Long hair. The Prettiest. Out of his tree most of the time. Every office should have one.
GLUM � Thin and straggly, spends too long in the dark with the inventory. Should get out more, instead of hanging around the dark kingdom of Store Door.
GRIMLY � Always complaining, looking for a scapegoat, who is usually Ledgerless. Tends to overdress. Spends too long braiding his beard in the Gents.
BORROWMORE � Basically a decent sort but covets colleagues� belongings, especially Fisco�s. No good will come of it, you mark my words�
ER WHEN? � Star of the evening. Just seems to go on for ever. Good at finishing things off. Usually last to leave. Always looking for Stapler.
ILLEGIBLE � Powerful stealth-witch, who writes in words not understood by mortal man � or anyone else in the office, sadly. A bit prone to hissy fits. Spends too long in front of her mirror.
HELL ROUND HALFELEVEN � Drinks too much coffee. Likes to hold meetings and whitter on about �doom� but is not v. effective Chair. Things can get rowdy.
COOLER BORE � Basically a decent chap, a bit of a looker, but conversational skills leave something to be desired.
Back | More | Humor Index

Let's just Fly Away Home!