Lord of the Rings:
The Musical!?
Lyrics by Armariel & Marielwing
CAUTION: Irreverent Content Ahead! The Authors will not be held responsible if you are never able to watch "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" the same way again *g*
Spoiler Alert for anyone who hasn't read The Return of the King!
Pay no attention to that Geek behind the curtain...lol
"If I Only Had a Brain"
Pippin:
I could while away the hours
With wizards in their towers
Consultin' with the rain
I could ride on every eagle
even nab that rascal Smeagol
If I only had a brain!
I'd unravel any riddle
For any individ'le
Even outsmart Durin's Bane...
Merry:
You could lead us all to Mordor
even get us past the border
If you only had a brain....
Pippin:
Oh I could tell you why
My stomach always roars.
I would think of foods I've never tried before.
And then I'd sit---
And eat some more!
I would not be wild and reckless
even skip my second breakfast
without a lot of pain...
Frodo:
If you saw a book you'd snag it...
Sam:
'stead of robbing Farmer Maggot....
All four together:
If you/I only had a brain!
Sauron:
When a man's a flaming eyeball
to pity he's not liable
Ruling justly's not his thing...
Just because I'm presumin'
I could wipe out every human
If I only had the Ring....
I could cover with great starkness
the land with second darkness
of gods I'd be the King...
Wouldn't have to be so highbrow
I could wear it in my eyebrow
If I only had the Ring!
"We're Off to See the Wizard"
All: (before leaving Rivendell)
We're off to see the Wizard
The terrible Wizard of Doom!
We fear he is the meanest old Wiz
That ever stank up a room!
Legolas:
I'll shoot an arrow in his eye
Which surely will give him one hell of a sty
Because, because, because, because, because,
Because of the evil things he does!
(whistle)
All:
We're off to see the Wizard
The terrible Wizard of Doom!
We're off to see,
You're off to see,
The terrible Wizard of Doom!
"The Depths of Khazad-dum"
Moria Orcs:
Ha, ha, ha,
Ho, ho, ho,
And a great big bim-bam-BOOM
That's how we pass the day away
In the Depths of Khazad-dum!
Bzz, bzz, bzz, chirp, chirp, chirp,
an occasional zoom zoom ZOOM--
That's how the goblins chat all day,
In merry old Khazad-dum!
We get up at twelve
And start to kill at one
Eat dwarves for lunch
And then at two we're done
Jolly good fun!
Ha, ha, ha,
Ho, ho, ho
Throw in a vroom vroom VROOM!
That's how we pass the day away
In the Depths of Khazad-dum!
Ha, ha, ha
Ho, ho, ho
Ha, ha, ha, ha, HOOM
That's how we laugh the day away,
In the Depths of Khazad-dum!
Splat splat here, zip zip there
And the mine becomes a tomb
That's how we have our little fun
In the Depths of Khazad-dum!
Bam bam here, zing zing there
Your bride may lose her groom
That's how we get into your hair
In the Depths of Khazad-dum!
We can make a big troll smile
swinging a wicked mace...
Troll:
Can you even find me a girl troll
with a pretty face?
Orcs:
Dream on!
Jolly Old place!
Watcher here, balrog there,
This ain't no rumpus room
Pack a change of underwear
For the Depths of Khazad-dum!
Ha!
Ha, ha, ha,
Ho, ho, ho,
We'll use you for a broom
if you don't keep your nose away
From the Depths of Khazad-dum!
We doubt that you'll enjoy your stay...
Ho, ho, ho, Ha, ha, ha,
Ha, ha, ha, Ha, ha, ha,
Ha, ha, ha, Ha, ha, KABOOM!!!!!!
In the Hotel Khazad-dum!
"Ding-dong the Troll is Dead"
The Fellowship:
Ding-dong the troll is dead
Which old troll? That ugly troll,
Ding-dong the nasty troll is dead!
Frodo:
I'm all right, I am not hurt
He didn't even spoil my shirt
Ding-dong the nasty troll is dead!
All:
He's gone where the goblins go.
Below, below, below...
Aragorn:
I stuck him with my noble blade
which rained upon his hit parade...
Ding-dong the nasty troll is dead!
Gimli:
I gave him what for with my axe
Now he won't have to pay his tax
Ding-dong the nasty troll is dead!
Boromir:
I pierced him smartly on the shin
Which set him hopping on one pin
Ding-dong the nasty troll is dead!
All:
He's gone where the goblins go.
Below - below - below...
Sam:
I whacked him with my trusty pot
Which must have hurt an awful lot...
Ding-dong the nasty troll is dead!
Merry and Pippin:
We jumped upon his mighty back
And really gave him a pain in the neck
Ding-dong the nasty troll is dead!
Legolas:
My bow performed proficiently
An elvish tonsillectomy
Ding-dong the nasty troll is dead!
All:
He's gone where the goblins go.
Below - below - below...
All:
Yo-ho, let's open up and sing
And ring the bells out.
Ding Dong' the merry-oh,
Sing it high, sing it low
Let them know the Nasty Troll is dead!
"If I Were the King of Gondor"
Aragorn:
If I were the King of Gondor,
Not Queen, not Duke, not Prince
My regal robes would be a wonder
Not muddy, not smelly...not chintz.
I'd command each thing, be it orc or troll.
When I say the word, they'd drop and roll....
I'd click my heel
All Ents would kneel
And the mountains bow
And the wizards kowtow
And the Nazgul would take wing
If...I ...if...I ..were King!
"Over the Morgai"
Frodo:
Somewhere over the Morgai
There's a hill
Where this Ring can be melted
Though it's my Preciousss still.
Up there at Sammath Naur
Things get hot.
I can't see how I'll last 'til then
But it is in the plot.....
Frodo & Sam together:
Now with the Elven Lady's star
We've climbed up to where Gollum's far behind us...
The Ring will melt like chocolate drops
And Sauron soon will blow his top ***KABOOM!!!!!***
--now he can't find us! HAHA!!!!!
Sam:
Now his tower is falling
his forces flee...
Frodo:
I doubt that this is covered by
his insurance company...
Both:
Now we can see the Eagles fly
over the Morgai...
Sauron, you creep--bye bye!!!
Picture courtesy of LotR Caption PageHumor IndexThere's no place like Home!;)
The Musical!? Lyrics by Armariel & Marielwing
Picture courtesy of LotR Caption Page