 ~*~Zsa Zsa's Silly Animal Poems~*~think how many things I could do at a time. Do my hair, brush my teeth put on my makeup get dressed, make coffee all at once. Then on the way to work I could drive, talk on my cellphone do my nails drink my coffee change the radio station and flip off road hogs all at once. How cool would that be? I could really hone my multitasking skills. At work, I could...hey, waitaminute. I wouldn't have hair or teeth to brush, wouldn't wear makeup or drink coffee or use a cellphone or have nails to do. And I wouldn't have work to go to. No crabby bosses no snitching coworkers or whiny customers. I'd live under the sea, with mermaids and singing lobsters and hammerhead sharks and pretty angelfish and what not. I'd be stuffing my face with fishes and crabs and Ringo Starr would sing songs about me and maybe I'd even be in a Spongebob Squarepants cartoon. How cool would that be? On the other hand it would definitely have its drawbacks. I couldn't rent dvd's or play the accordion or find sweaters to fit and how would I tell my arms from my legs? And tentacles...like, ew. No one would ask for my autograph. When was the last time anybody asked an octo for its autograph, hmm?? Then again, nobody ever asks me for my autograph anyway.... 
~*~*~*~
~I Sing the Pterodactyl~
I sing the pterodactylalthough he's extinct and doesn't give a crap about any stupid poems being written in his praise and not many people over ten can spell his name anyway. He was kinda like a bat only bigger and uglier and he didn't hang upside down in caves or pterodactyl houses and his name means "flying finger" in Greek. Seriously. I think I'd freak out if I saw some dude's finger flying around. Wouldn't you? He used to get eaten by spinosaurids which kinda sucks you'd think he would have flown away. Guess he wasn't too bright, huh. Seriously. Maybe he tasted like chicken? The best preserved fossils came from Brazil. Imagine that. Imagine a ptero dancing the samba with a basket of fruit on his head. Seriously! ~*~*~*~ ~Ode to a Platypus~ I sing of the platypus a joke from God a wedgie in the crack of creation. It lays eggs, has webbed feet and a bill but it doesn't quack wtf is up with that? It has a beaver tail but doesn't build dams so what's the point? It has no titties so its young have to lick the milk off of it. Weird, huh? You could make a coat of its fur, but who wants to tell people, "This is a platypus coat?" Everyone would laugh their butts off. Even the animal rights people. It is one strange beast. It reminds me hauntingly of my ex's weenie.......... ~*~*~*~ ~If You Were an Anteater~ If you were an anteater you'd be a great kisser cuz you'd have a tongue three feet long. Then again who wants to kiss someone with ant breath? You'd have to work on your diet. In which case you'd no longer be an anteater and there'd be no point to this poem. Now, if you were an elephant........ ~*~*~*~ ~The Walrus~ the walrus is a sexy beast although he doesn't look very glamorous. he has a mustache and very long teeth that could give you one hell of a hickey if you let him get too amorous. Sometimes he wears a monocle and has a classy british accent.... no wait, that's only in cartoons still he's very well endowed and can make his missus grow quite clamorous. No wonder there are so many of them. Goo goo ga joob! (you knew that was coming didn't you?;)) 
~*~*~*~
~Ode to the Toad~
I sing the lowly toadwho's entitled to an ode although he's not a lovely sight all squished in the midst of the road. Don't scorn him 'cuz he's ugly nor sneer upon him smugly he renders a valuable service his diet being so very "bugly". Toad sex is called "amplexus" a most productive nexus the toady with his missus can spawn enough tadpoles to fill Texas. Enhancing nature's balance with his toadly talents and if a princess kisses him he might well prove a royal gallant. So don't turn up your snoot upon this humble brute if reincarnation should prove true he might well be your great-uncle Newt. 
~*~*~*~
~The Quick Red Fox~
A DOGgerel verse.......;)
The quick red fox jumped over and overthe lazy brown dogs, Fido and Rover. Over and over them thru the air she jumped with vixenish grace and flair. Fido finally awakened to see the pretty fox leap so precipitously. He yawned and scratched at a flea on his face then suddenly he jumped up and gave chase. The fox glanced at him over her shoulder with a flirtatious flutter she grew ever bolder and off into the meadow she did shoot with Fido following in hot pursuit. When Rover finally awakened to see his pal chase the vixen so amorously he considered joining, but was just too lazy "Running around in this heat? It's plum crazy!" he said, then flopped back down and laid himself once more to sleep in the shade and dreamed of the pretty fox how he'd snatch her but not even in his wildest dreams did he catch her. ~*~*~*~ ~Three Limericks on Interspecies Love~ There once was an amorous zebu who fell wildly in love with an emu when he spoke his mind she politely declined but said, "As a friend I esteem you!" ~*~*~ In the city zoo there was a dingo who fell for a pretty flamingo contemplating her grace and her sweet birdy face he thought, "Wish I knew flamingo lingo!" ~*~*~*~ A zebra made love to a donkey saying "You are more hot than a honkey!" his passion so avid soon made her quite gravid till she birthed an adorable "zonkey".... 
~*~*~*~
Super Penguin--Hero of Antarctica
Help! Help! Evil Squidly's got me!cries the pengie in distress have no worry have no fear Super Penguin's on his way! Ducks into antarctic phonebooth ripping off his snazzy tux and his rather dorky specs to reveal his ice-blue tights emblazoned with the letter P and his flowing scarlet cape and he FLIES! Oh yes indeedy! to the rescue, there he goes flippers turning into wings dives into the icy waves zaps ole squidly in the eyeball guess what's on the menu now? Then Super Penguin reassumes his unassuming mild persona goes to visit pretty Penny takes her out upon the town treats her to a prawny dinner then they dance the polar two-step chillin' out in penguin fashion till Otto the Octopus gets up to his dastardly tricks sneaking up on pengie nursery for to grab a tasty nibble now it's up to Super Penguin to put the villain in his place Zap! Zot! Zing! Zip! Nasty Otto's now on ice! That'll larn him! Yes it will! Instant octo popsicle! So if you're ever in the South Pole and you are beset with danger send a call to Super Penguin (you can send it to his cellphone; booths are growing obsolete....) ~*~*~*~ "Just a Cat Thing" Why does my cat insist on following me to the bathroom? What does he get out of seeing me sitting on the pot fixing my hair getting dressed taking a shower brushing my teeth putting on makeup and deodorant over and over again? Why does he insist on tipping over the wastebasket every time? Is he afraid he'll miss something? That I won't give him the next empty spool of toilet paper to play with? That I'll throw away a pill bottle and he won't see it? That I'll flush the commode and he won't hear it? I don't follow him to his box every time he goes afraid I'll miss seeing him cover up his dirty work ready with the pooper scooper to dig out the lumps in the kitty litter and spray the foam to cover the stink and I don't watch him lick himself every stroke so what's the fascination? Just a cat thing, I guess. One of life's little mysteries. Like the way he purrs when I get naked. Wow. Kinky. ~*~*~*~ How to Make a Cat Sandwich Take one cat. (duh) Or two kittens. Along with a good-sized cat bun. I think PetCo has them. Sweeten the cat with choice phrases such as: "Aren't you the cutest thing?" or: "Oh little twinkums, you are sooo purrrfect!" or: "Niiiiice kitteh." You can get really creative. Or really cheesy. So much the better. When you have the puss where you want it spread it on the bun lay on the condiments you like put the top on mash it down good then settle in front of the tv or computer or wherever and eat it quickly before the cat catches on. Simple really. Bet you wish you'd thought of it yourself. 
~*~*~*~
(c) RoZita Bartok
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