And now for something completely different: THE MESSAGE BOARD BITCH IN RESIDENCE APPLICATION For those addicted to hanging out on message boards, AOL or others, you know that no board is complete without its very own Bitch in Residence. You know the one. It's not just your garden-variety internet troll. It's the one who can't stand to be disagreed with, but disagrees with pretty nearly everyone else. The one who has an uncanny knack for taking ANY subject and making it all about her. Or him. The one who never lets anybody forget what happened on such and such board five years ago, and is still talking about the way so and so lied and spread nasty rumors about her because of this, that, or the other thing. The one who can take any thread and turn it into a schoolyard brawl. The one who is sensitive to the point of paranoia about herself and insensitive to the point of sadism about others. The one who weeps and wails about someone starting "designer hate threads" about him/herself, but freely participates on such threads when they're about someone else. The one who is absolutely convinced of his own infallibility and virtue, and anyone who isn't is by definition a loser. It's, well......the Bitch in Residence! Recently, on a board on which I spend entirely too much time, its Resident Bitch announced her intention of leaving. Of course she came back--don't they always? But in her all too brief absence, I decided to make an application for a successor to her lofty position. I present it here for anyone who would like to apply themselves for such an honored title, and think they are bitchy enough. Pssssttt--you don't have to be female to be Board Bitch...but you knew that, didn't ya? You were just trying to start something, weren't ya? Yeah, I saw that look....... ******* Screenname(s):_____________________________________ How long have you been a Bitch? (IOW, how old are you?)___________ Gender: (highlight all that apply) Male Female Whatever Where did you receive your Bitch training? 1. At home 2. At school 3. Behind the barn 4. Other (please specify)________________________________________ Why are you such a Bitch? 1. Because I can be 2. I had a lousy childhood, OK? Life sucks. Yanno? 3. Because of all the losers out there that are always on my case. 4. None of your damn business. Piss off. Where do you see yourself five years from now? 1. Who knows? Who the hell cares? 2. What's it to ya? 3. Why are you picking on me? 4. Screw you What do you enjoy most about being a Bitch? 1. The hours 2. If you gotta ask, you'll never understand 3. Bite me 4. I don't understand the question 5. Other (please specify)_______________________________________ Around whom does the universe revolve? 1. God 2. My boyfriend 3. Elvis 4. Who the hell do ya think??? Duhhh!! What type of Bitch are you? 1. Smug 2. Snotty 3. Mega 4. On Wheels How do you rate Negative Attention? 1. Better than Money 2. Better than Sex 3. Better than Food 4. Is this a trick question? Please choose the answer that seems most appropriate. 1. Someone on a message board posts an article with which you don't agree. What are you most likely to do? a. Accuse the poster of plagiarism b. Say, "Always with the cut and paste. What are you, a ventriloquist's dummy? Don't you have anything original to say?" c. Dig up some scandal connected with the author of the article d. Hijack the thread and make it all about you. 2. Someone makes an off-topic post. You: a. Report the poster to AOL. b. Say, "If I wanted to discuss _____________, I'd go to a _____________ board. How about keeping to the subject, 'K??" c. Make snide remarks about the poster's looks, age, weight, sex preference, financial situation, or family members d. Say: "What does this have to do with the price of hemorrhoid cream in Zimbabwe?" (preferably with the rolling eyes symbol @@) 3. A poster says something with which you don't agree. You: a. Call him/her an troll. b. Call him/her a bigot. c. Call him/her a drama queen. d. Start a new thread with the poster's name in the subject line, and paste in his/her original post with a few subtle changes, and take it from there. 4. You're bored with how slow things are, and want to goad someone into insulting you so you can get a flame war going. How do you do it? a. Call him/her nasty names. b. Tell a lie about him/her. c. Make cracks about his/her spelling or grammatical errors. d. Damn--a, b, and c are for amateurs. Attack 'em through their kids. Can't miss with that one. Be sure and keep tabs on 'em so you'll have plenty to use against 'em if they give you any more of their crap. 5. Someone calls you down on something. You: a. vehemently deny any wrongdoing; b. blame your actions on someone else; c. go crying to your board buddy for sympathy; d. Say, "Who made you board nazi?" REFERENCES List here all the cyber-stalkers, trolls, morons, drama queens, board nazis, and crybaby losers who can vouch for your bitchiness, along with their email addresses and personal information. Give some brief summaries of the lies, twisted half-truths and whiny sob stories they are likely to give to further their agendas. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ Previous | Next | Intro