(Just remember, folks--it's satire;)) The White People's Branch of the NBV Club is Now in Session! Hello, my name is Zsa Zsa Girdlebuns and I am a Natural Born Victim.... You over there, stop snickering at my name! OK, it's Rosie...no relation to Rosie the Riveter....well, I used to be kinda riveting, but age took its toll, and now I'm constantly discriminated against for carrying a few extra pounds. Well, back in my glory days I was regarded as merely a sex object, but that's all past...it's a lose-lose situation, either way....... But enough self-pity, where was I? Oh yes...well, being white sooooo totally sucks anymore because of all the discrimination from black people I have to put up with on a daily basis. It's enough to drive a person ga-ga...why, just the other day, I bought a watermelon at Walmart, and my check-out girl was black....I thought she'd be happy to see me buying a watermelon, but when I finished paying, she just said, "Enjoy your watermelon!" Just like that! Now I ask you.........what was up with that???? "Enjoy your watermelon"? There HAD to be some kind of hidden menace beneath those seemingly innocent words....Did she think a white person had no right to enjoy a watermelon without validation from a black??? Was she afraid I was going to make some snide remark and she had to deflect it??? How much crap are we expected to take off these people, I ask you???? Reminds me of the time I was working at WM...one of those vile "equal opportunity employers" that have to hire a certain number of black people, and there they were all over the place, running rampant. Well, I remember a black male there who happened to have a very cute ass. I confess to ogling it a few times. One day I innocently blurted to a co-worker, who happened to be black also (this was before I realized how much they were out to get us) "He has a nice butt." She said, "He does--but don't tell him. It'll go to his head." Well!!! That says it all, doesn't it??? She assumed that just because I was white, I was gonna go up to a black guy and tell him he had a nice butt!!! You see what I mean???? It's all over the place!!! I started getting really suspicious when that black man came around and cut my grass without being asked, and then disappeared before I could get the money to pay him.........WHAT was up with that??? Did he think my money was tainted just because I was WHITE???? And then there was a black cashier at Target a couple of years ago, around December, who had the nerve to wish me a Merry Christmas! Now you can't tell me something isn't going on behind all that. After all the commie plots to take Christ out of Christmas and all--just what did she think she was trying to pull??? Some kind of "see, I'm Miss Super Christian so you can trust me not to screw you around" act???? I am soooo not falling for that!!! You won't catch me going back to THAT store ever again!!!!! But it doesn't end there....now there's actually a black secretary at the place where I work now...she keeps sending me these creepy emails........why oh why oh WHY did I ever give her my email addy??? Sucker that I was!!! Stuff with subject headings like "I hope you dance".........now I ask you. "I hope you dance"??????? And "I hope I get this back"..."National Best Friends Week"....WHAT is up with that??? Yeah, they have all these smarmy pictures in them, angels and teddy bears and what not, but hey, I've got their number. It's all a plot...they're out to get us, soften us up for the kill, and then POW!!!! Right when we least expect it!!!! And the list goes on and on. I gotta ask you......WHY DO THEY HATE US????????? Well, all I can do is sit back and await with dread the coming season when we'll be told we can't say Merry Christmas any more. Guess I should start sending out more and more emails and petitions lamenting and protesting about the discrimination we white folks must endure. I'm sure the blacks are behind the whole War on Christmas thing...........but not to worry, we WILL prevail.......... ~*~*~*~ Once more, this is a mockery of hypocrisy and not of any faith...a send-up of the "if you're not being an asshole you ain't doin' it right" school of fundamentalism....... "The Song of the Hardcore Evangelist" Oh I went to the Gay Pride parade All full of dykes and fags I climbed up high on my soap box And screamed, "Look, you scumbags! Perverts! Pussies! Come to Christ!! Turn from your sin, or else you'll burn!!!" They looked at me and laughed and laughed And did my council spurn! Why do those morons hate me so? Oh, why are they so mean? I'm only trying to save their black souls And wash them pure and clean! Why can't they see my love for them? What am I doing wrong? But what comforts me Someday they'll be Roasting in hell where they belong! I went to a college campus Reprobates everywhere! Atheists, agnostics, pagans, jews And sluts with bleached blonde hair! I screamed, "You worthless sinners! Get on your knees and pray!" But they just called me nasty names And sent me on my way! Why do those imbeciles hate me so? Oh, why are they so mean? I'm only trying to save their black souls And wash them pure and clean! Why can't they see my love for them? What am I doing wrong? But it comforts me To know they'll be Roasting in hell where they belong! I found an online message board Where sinners did congregate Discussing evolution and such In endless shocking debate; I screamed, "You fools and idiots! To hell you're surely bound!" But--you guessed it--they laughed me to scorn And iniquity did abound. Why do those idiots hate me so? Oh, why are they so mean? I'm only trying to save their black souls In Christ's blood wash them clean! Why can't they see my love for them? What am I doing wrong? But it comforts me To know they'll be Screaming in hell where they belong! Previous | More | Intro