 too sexy for my sword Sword's going to cleave me..... I'm too sexy for my gun too sexy for my gun So sexy it's fun And I'm too sexy for Iran too sexy for Iran Iraq and Sudan And I'm too sexy for your party Too sexy for your party No way I'm voting demo.... Cuz I'm a fanatic, you know what I mean And I do my little turn at the target Yeah at the target, at the target, yeah I fire my little shot at the target! I'm too sexy for my tank too sexy for my tank Too sexy to spank And I'm too sexy for Obama Too sexy for Obama Yo' mama or Osama..... I'm a fanatic you know what I mean And I swing my little sword in the courtyard Yeah in the courtyard in the courtyard yeah I shake my little tush and go "Engarde!" I'm too sexy for my armor too sexy for my armor too sexy by far more I'm too sexy for my blade too sexy for my blade Blade's going to cleave me And I'm too sexy for this song.......... 
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"The Ballad of Sally Goodin"...or, "The Redneck Sex Change"
(Sung to the tune of....."Sally Goodin")
****naughtiness alert****
Love a butt pie and I love a booty puddinand I love a little gal who is known as Sally Goodin I look down the road and I see my Sally comin' and I says to myself, That's a mighty a strappin' woman! Now once she was a boy and her name was Bobby Goodin and his manner with the gals was just a trifle wooden And he said, "All the fellers seem to think that I'm a wussy Maybe they would like me better if I got myself a p*****" And so Bobby he decided to get hisself a operation even though it would involve a most drastic amputation So the doctor took his saw and he took a pair of scissors and he went snip snip snip all over Bobby's trousers He fed the spare parts to his dogs Goober and Rover saying "Stick around, boys, it ain't over till it's over!" And he took his little drill and then he started drillin' stuck his hand into the hole and scooped out all the fillin' And then he took a bike pump and blew up Bobby's titties and he says to hisself, "She's a lookin' mighty pretty!" And then he took a razor and he shaved all Bobby's body and admitted to hisself that she really was a hottie And Bobby says, "I like my boobies and my new hairless face fine Though it feels mighty strange to have my brains above my waistline!" And she bought herself a wig what was long and blonde and curly and she looked into the mirror and said, "I'm quite a purty girly!" And she bought her some mascara and three kinds a lipstick and she says to herself, "This is better than a dipstick!" And then she got a mud bath and she got a body waxin' and she had to admit, "Lookin' purty's mighty taxin'!" But she changed her name to Sally, put it on her driver's license and she looked at her photo and she thought it quite a nice 'un... Well I look down the road and I seen Miss Sally comin' and I sez to myself, "That's a mighty strappin' woman!" And I asked her for a date and I took her out to dinner and then she said, "Whoa Bubba, your truck is shore a winner!" And then we went a fishin' and she did all her own hookin' and the more beer I drunk, the better she was lookin' And then we went a huntin' and she bagged a big twelve pointer and I knew between the sheets that I mustn't disappoint her And then we ended up in the cab of my ole pickup and all through the night a lotta dust we did kick up And then in the mornin' light I saw the light chin stubble and I got to admit, it did kinder bust my bubble But the next thing I seen was the barrel of a shotgun with her pa's face on the other end I knew that I could not run And he said, "You will make of my boy a honest woman!" and I said "Howdy Pa!" cuz I knew my time was comin' And we found ourselves a preacher and we had a little weddin' and we bought ourselves a trailer in the park where we was headin' And now Sally makes a meat pie and a mean booty puddin' and I wouldn't change a thing now about my Sally Goodin'! Oh, Sally is my darlin' and Sally is my daisy when she lands a large mouth bass it durn near drives me crazy! No, I wouldn't change a thang, no I couldn't and I shouldn't and that is the tale of my gal Sally Goodin! That's all! Yall come back now, y'hear? 
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"Rainy Day Christians"
(Apologies to Bob Dylan)
They'll stone you when you're going by the BookThey'll stone you and give you a dirty look They'll stone you when you worship your own way They'll stone you then they'll say for you they'll pray But I would not feel so all alone; Everybody must get stoned! They'll stone you when you're going to the church They'll stone you till they knock you off your perch They'll stone you when you're searching for the truth They'll stone you then they'll fight you claw and tooth But I would not feel so all alone; Everybody must get stoned! They'll stone you when you're in the seminary They'll stone you if you leave and go contrary They'll stone you and they'll say you can't discern They'll stone you then they'll say you're gonna burn But I would not feel so all alone; Everybody must get stoned! Well.... They'll stone you if you try evangelism They'll stone you if you embrace catholicism They'll stone you if you're a Jehovah's witness They'll stone you and then go about their "bidness" But I would not feel so all alone; Everybody must get stoned! They'll stone you if you're baptizing with water They'll stone you if you're reading Harry Potter They'll stone you if you go to midnight mass They'll stone you and tell you to kiss their ******* Amen! But I would not feel so all alone; Everybody must get stoned! Well........ They'll stone you when you're studying the bible They'll stone you and they'll say for souls you're liable They'll stone you when you're trying to preach the word They'll stone you then they'll call you "bunny turd" But I would not feel so all alone-- Everybody must get stoned! 
~*~*~*~
"The Universe"
(to the tune of "Monster Mash")
God:We were working in the lab late one night When our eyes beheld a wondrous sight For atomic particles began to rise And suddenly to our surprise Angels: A universe! God: It was a universe... Angels: A universe! God: With a big bang it burst... Angels: A universe! God: From out the multiverse.... Angels: A universe! God: It was the universe.... From our laboratory in the heavenly sphere A big blast erupted like a thunderous cheer! We lifted our hand, sent the particles whirling And thru endless space they went twirling and swirling.... Angels: A universe! God: It was a universe... Angels: A universe! God: We watched the stars all disperse.... Angels: A universe! God: They shone like coins from a purse.... Angels: A universe! God: It was the universe.... The angels were having fun The party had just begun The guests included Gabriel, Lucifer and My Son..... Angels: A universe! God: It was a universe... Angels: A universe! God: With heavenly bodies diverse... Angels: A universe! God: On which we did all converse.... Angels: A universe! God: It was the universe.... The scene was rockin', all were digging the sound Of the spherical music that did greatly abound But soon I had an impulse (never can resist 'em!) To organize it into a neat solar system..... Angels: A universe! God: It was a universe... Angels: A universe! God: Planets in light immersed.... Angels: A universe! God: It was a definite first.... Angels: A universe! God: It was the universe.... Then from My right hand, Jesus' voice did ring Seems he was troubled by just one thing "These planets look pretty, Dad, a fine panorama But somethin' is lackin', without life there's no drama..." Angels: A universe! Jesus: It was a universe... Angels: A universe! Jesus: But humans was mighty scurce.... Angels: A universe! Jesus: Just as dead as a hearse.... Angels: A universe! Jesus: A lifeless universe.... God: So we created critters, then come Adam and Eve But Lucifer had other plans up his sleeve "Eat the apple!" he told 'em, with seductive demeanor, And the human race just got meaner and meaner.... Angels: A universe! God: There went my universe... Angels: The universe! God: Livin' under a curse.... Angels: A universe! Jesus: Goin' from bad to worse.... Angels: A universe! God & Jesus: There went our universe....... 
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